“Do not be afraid to start over. It is a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.” – Unknown
Starting over. What a simple phrase we tell ourselves whenever we are ready to finally start anew down a very familiar yet different path to a dedicated goal we have been trying to achieve for goodness knows how long. That is where I, once again, find myself. Embarking down a very familiar, twisted, beaten dirt path that to my surprise is my life. I almost sound as if I am saying “ok here we go again,” insert eyeroll, scoffs, and muttered “yeah right like this time is going to be any different”, but that is far from where I am going with all of this…..
In truth, I am just as lost as you are, if you are lost at all. I feel as if though I am sitting, exposed, in the middle of a very cut-throat jungle with only my words and anger to defend myself against an enemy I know nothing about, but that enemy seems to know me very well. I do not know when they are going to strike or if they are even going to pounce and destroy everything I have ever built. Insert my insecurities and anxieties of the world here. Yeah, those little bastards, I mean… voices in my subconscious that continuously bash what little confidence I managed to wake up with (since saying voices in my head seems to make people quirk a brow, trust me I am an expert).
Did I just say that?! Did I just refer to myself as the enemy –rolls eyes and waves hand dismissively– Uh, yeah however, we all knew that one duh, but that one…that one right there –points to the end of a sentence somewhere up there– I know nothing about this enemy….but that enemy I am referring to is myself….that was already established….holy snap.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM
It honestly just dawned on me the other day. In fact it was 2 days ago today…10/12/2020….so Binary day of 2020….not that it matters, I might be distracting myself from actually typing what I am feeling…or have realized. Sometimes, voicing things out loud is hard. It is like saying them makes them more truthful and just makes us face ourselves a little bit more. Sometimes, we are not ready for those truths and that is ok! Even I am not ok with sometimes facing a new fact about myself… I am realizing I am unable to stay quiet and have to interrupt a conversation to say what I have to say…not because I am wanting to be a jerk…but because I have to….and I feel so bad and guilty afterwards. “Gosh darn it Kuu, why couldn’t you just kept quiet!” –shrugs slowly–
It started with a simple question. My bestfriend and girlfriend (yes I also have a Husband, yes they know about each other in fact they are dating too! How cool is that! The two people I love most in the world are willing to go through a very rough starting throuple) had set up a google calendar for our little Pack (what I will call my people and baby <3; oh yeah, I am mom. Get over it.) –looks over to all my self comments- (dang I am very aggressive) and she was telling us about the color she wanted to be associated with her appointments and reminders (green by the way) then she asked me what color I would like mine.
Now, for over 15 years I had said “Uuuu my favorite color is orange cuz it is a happy color.”
I mean it could be that my favorite color is shifting from orange to a different one all together, but I do not think so….I think…I honestly do not know. It kind of broke me. I could not answer a simple question that even a little toddler can. I seriously told her that I had to get back to her on that…and deflected by saying that I would use the color yellow for …umm let us giver her a code name….Navy Bean. Yea….muh lil Navy Bean, and I did not respond to her.
Later that day I found myself scrolling through google trying to find a “legit” quiz to help me find what my favorite color was. I am pretty sure that most of the quiz sites I would have clicked on (had I not taken a closer look) might have potentially given me a virus. Or I might have been hacked. Who knows –shrugs– But the fact of the matter still stands. I do not know who I am.
How do I go about finding out who I am and what sort of person I am? Being a bit more self aware? Perhaps a good start would be to read what other people are saying. Go back to the literature. If I take anything from the two long years at WSU –woot woot Go COUGS!!!!!– is that in research, when ever you feel stuck, go back ⬅ to the literature and see it from a different angle. Perhaps that is something I can work on until next time I am able to type. I will try to set a weekly day to just type a little bit. Maybe my writing will improve some. Maybe my confidence will also slowly start to rise? Ok, two things, confidence and writing skills got it! Oh, and maybe I will work on my favorite color too -grins-
Noirekuu 